Introduction

The older I get, the more I realize that the only thing I truly regret in my life is failing to connect with the people I really wanted to connect with. Maybe I was too pretentious, trying to look cool or interesting, and ended up pushing them away because of it. Maybe they simply didn't like me, and there was nothing I could have done to change that. Maybe things could have been different if I had said different things... There are a lot of "maybes" that still linger in my mind.

The point is that the only thing that leaves a bitter taste in your mouth after all these years is wondering, "Maybe if I had managed to connect with them, I would be happier today, less lonely."

I look cooler today. I worked so hard to be interesting and good-looking. But I feel that it was a lonely path.

While I thought I was just building this "hikikomori" persona to look cool, I didn't realize that I had actually become a hikikomori. Never leaving my room, never having social experiences, and avoiding them at all costs. Having literally 0 friends outside of the internet. Ever since I was 11yo and my parents bought me a PC, I became a shut-in.

I don't regret all that! I don't feel like I lost much. The people around me never seemed interesting, and no, I'm not the dickhead who sees himself as better than others. I tried to see something deeper in them, something that I couldn't reach superficially, only to discover that they were indeed that superficial.

So the only thing I really regret is messing things up when I found really interesting people. Due to my own stupidity, I fucked things up and lost them—or never got the chance to have them in my life to begin with.

How about my interactions with women? I always had this stupid feeling that they all liked me, that they were just... being distant because they couldn't express their feelings openly. But that was just a projection of my own way of liking people.

In reality, they probably didn't like me at all. And because I convinced myself that they did, I acted in ways that pushed them even further away from me.

Then I realized that I hate nice girls. They make you think they actually like you when they're really just being kind.

Then I realized that I had become a disgusting person who hates everyone. I feel like puking just at the thought of being around commoners, nice girls, and socially healthy environments. I'm disgusting, and yet I'm disgusted by everyone else. I'm lonely, just like Imya was.

And the only people I like are those who resonate with me. You.